And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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