the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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