I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
