On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
