I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
