k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You ruined the universe
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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