Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
