I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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