Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
