So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
why do cheetos always look like penises
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
