I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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