i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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