The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
