On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
