we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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