Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
