Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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