Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
