So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
