We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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