Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
