Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
