onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
