Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How does it feel to date your dad?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
