Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
