I wannas sexs uuuuu
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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