when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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