she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
