All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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