dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is Oprah even human
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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