Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
