I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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