3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
