I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
