Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
