On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
