My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
