Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
two words...techno handjob
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
