He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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