We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
