I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
