dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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