glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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