why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
