Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
