I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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