Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
