Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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