I just pynch a tree in the face
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
