Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize