All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Houston, we have a blender
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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