A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
3 2 1 whiskey
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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