I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
