Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
