I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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