i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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