haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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