a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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