It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
