Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
