I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
