I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
