Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
