just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
